Thank you to iRead Book Tours for introducing me to Camilla Gray-Nelson, today’s Guest Post Author. Her post is entitled “Parenting the Defiant Child – Nature’s Way” where Gray-Nelson gives easy to follow tips on how to parent a child who really likes to say NO! Enjoy the article, then check out her new book Cracking the Harmony Code and enter to win a copy for yourself.
First, let’s meet the author…
Best-selling author and award-winning entrepreneur with a company consistently listed in the Top 15 Women-Owned Businesses in Northern California, Camilla Gray-Nelson has a leg-up on her competition. Raised and living on a farm, Camilla credits her business success today to the lessons she learned from Mother Nature in her childhood! Combining a keen knowledge of animal behavior and her awareness of the human animal’s inner instincts, she reveals Mother Nature’s paradigm to all women who seek their own success at work, parenting and love. She shares the animal secret of Influence through Instinct, to more cleverly succeed in getting what we want in our professional as well as personal lives, while at the same time, maintaining precious Peace and Harmony. . . two seemingly endangered species in today’s chaotic world!
Parenting the Defiant Child – Nature’s Way
What parent hasn’t struggled with kids not listening, not doing their homework, talking back or being outright defiant? Moms may have read all the advice-du-jour ono the matter, but still the same problems persist and they can’t seem to get their kids to change.
By way of background, I’m a farm girl turned leadership coach, first with women that struggled to understand and control their dogs and now with people that need help understanding and influencing their human relationships. When it comes to parenting, I suggest trying a Nature-based approach to managing kids– like the little animals they are! My new book, CRACKING THE HARMONY CODE: Nature’s Surprising Secrets for Getting Along While Getting Your Way, reveals the secrets of the best mother of all – Mother Nature!
It’s a peek behind the curtain of Nature’s hidden social code that orchestrates relationships of all sorts, whether it be leadership from above or compliance from below. I learned this code as a youngster on our farm but dusted it off for myself more recently as an adult when I found that my relationships were not working – personally or professionally. My hope is that women everywhere will benefit from my unique perspective on how to finally win at work, parenting and love. I did, and others can, too.
One of my archetypal role models, Bessy the Cow, used her legitimate status to successfully manage others below her in the herd hierarchy. I make the point in the book that children are, at their core, animals as well, reacting to the same set of hidden instincts that drive our animal cousins. The strength of a leader, in Nature’s world, lies not in their intimidation or coercion. They prove their strength and inspire others to follow them by their willingness and ability to set rules and boundaries and to follow-through on them without anger or apology. Let’s explore how a mom might understand and deal with defiance from her child real life, from this Nature-based perspective (and a little wisdom from Bessy) with this excerpt from CRACKING THE HARMONY CODE:
“Situation 2: Defiance
Your child is outright refusing to do what you say and talks back, right to your face. Profanity flies and you are so taken aback, you feel paralyzed and powerless. You’re trying to keep your cool but you’re feeling drawn into battle.
As happens so often, the problem we think we have may not be the real problem at all. In the case of a defiant child, once again it may actually be a matter of insufficient leadership and the defiance a symptom of it. Let me explain.
In my training school, a defiant dog is usually one that has been without clear leadership long enough to now assume he is truly the one in charge. The dog owner has no idea that their leadership has been lacking, so the defiance is shocking to him or her. The owner thought love would be enough to produce a grateful and respectful dog. It’s not. I know that Nature’s leadership requires more than love. From many years of experience, my assessment is that in addition to a hearty helping of compassion, the recipe for effective leadership requires hierarchy, rules, and follow-through.
Kids do not seem much different than dogs when it comes to needing Nature’s brand of leadership. Mother dogs are not shy about setting and enforcing rules with their pups. They are clearly in charge and just as willing to stop an unwanted behavior as they are to play and love on their young ones. They love freely yet control without apology. They are clearly “driving the bus” and their pups know their seat assignments.
Within your family hierarchy, someone has to drive the bus as well. If parents do not drive, kids probably will. The problem is when kids find themselves in the driver’s seat by default, they are ill-equipped to handle the actual responsibilities of the job. They don’t know how to drive! They’re driving without a license or passing the test, and like humans promoted above their pay grade without the necessary skills that turn autocratic with their staff, children can turn to defiance, bullying, and aggression to manage their world. They lack the adult self-confidence required to lead or live with quiet strength. Or, in the case of young people that have been driving their own bus for an extended period, they may actually believe that they are the legitimate driver, so when a parent steps in to finally take the wheel, the child consequences the parent by being defiant for this seeming “insubordination.”
Take Action with Bessy-Down:
With any animal that truly believes he is the top dog, including a defiant child, one must tread lightly to change the dynamic. Direct confrontation can be a recipe for disaster and heightened aggression. Calm finesse is the way to proceed with defiant dogs, and with your two-legged animals as well. In fact, in my dog training business the more defiant the dog, the quieter and more subtle our training style.
Try this Bessy-Down approach to get your defiant child to come around to your way of thinking with minimum argument and friction.
Instead of focusing on what the child is doing wrong, try praising and rewarding anything they’re doing right. Play to their ego and pride (their Desire to be Great or Important), an instinct that may been starved if you have focused mainly on the bad behaviors. If a child is repeatedly and exclusively told they are wrong, eventually they may see no point in trying to be right. When we help a defiant child feel appreciated when he or she does certain things (the things you want), the child can become more willing to do these things for you, and the defiant behavior can begin to melt away. Every social mammal has an instinctive desire to Be Appreciated , Great or Important as well as a deep desire for the stability of Group Harmony and Cooperation. You may have to dig to find these instincts sometimes, but even telling your child you believe in him or her, and backing off from micro-managing for a while can feed these powerful motivators.”
To read more about Nature’s Harmony Code and the secrets to willing cooperation from others, at work or at home, check out CRACKING THE HARMONY CODE: Nature’s Surprising Secrets for Getting Along While Getting Your Way, on Amazon. https://amzn.to/2QIkRMh
Read my articles and posts on www.camillagraynelson.com , “Nature’s Wisdom for Today’s Woman”, as well.
In Cracking the Harmony Code, award-winning entrepreneur and best-selling author, Camilla Gray-Nelson, reveals Mother Nature’s secret code for achieving personal and professional goals. Using “influence through instinct,” she guides you up Nature’s Harmony Pyramid to its pinnacle of success, peace and happiness.
Autographed Copy of CRACKING THE HARMONY CODE
(USA only) (one winner) (ends May 11)
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